Joke Of The Day

Q: What did the composer say who lost his baton?

A: "Go Telemann I've lost my baton!"

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. "This one's $5,000 and the other is $10,000." the clerk said.

"Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?"

"This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote."

"And the other?" said the customer.

"This one can sing Wagner's entire Ring cycle. There's another one in the back room for $30,000."

"Holy moly! What does that one do?"

"Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him 'Maestro'."

Q: What did Beethoven have as a snack?

A: Ba-na-na-na

A guy walks into a guitar convention, picks up a guitar and begins to play. He plays so beautifully that before he has finished the song, he has attracted a crowd of guitarist onlookers.

"What is that strange tuning?!" he is asked.

"EADGBE" he replies.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A flat minor.

Q: Why don't they know where Mozart is buried?

A: Because he's Haydn.

A violin player has given a good recital, and afterwards a lady comes up to him and says, "Maestro, that was beautiful, and how good: all those fast notes!" to which the violinist replies, "Ah but dear lady, those were only sixteenth notes, sometimes I play thirty-seconds!" The lady is completely awestruck: "Oh, could you play one for me?"

Q: What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins?


A: A pair of Re-bachs.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an Army base?

A: A flat Major.

While at a concert being performed by a very bad orchestra, George Bernard Shaw was asked what he'd like them to play next. "Dominoes," he replied.

A man is walking through an Arabian desert and finds a genie's lamp. He picks it up and rubs it and, of course, a genie appears. The Genie tells the man, "OK, you've rubbed the lamp, now you get one wish." The man says he thought it was three wishes? The genie says, "Hey, it's a recession, it's one wish. Take it or leave it." The man then pauses to think, trying to find something selfless to make the world a better place. Finally, he pulls out a map of the Middle East and says "These people have been fighting and killing each other for as long as anyone can remember. I wish for peace in the Middle East". The Genie looks at him dumbfounded " I'm a genie, not a god. Give me something I can work with". "Uh huh" And another long pause as the man trys to think of something which might be within the Genie's power. "OK, I know." Says the man. "I play in a band back home, the guitar player, could you tone his ego down a bit?" After another long pause, the Genie finally says "OK, OK, let me see the map again..."

Conductor - a musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?


A: Root position cords.

A fingerstyle guitarist is walking on the beach when he accidentally kicks a bottle. The cork falls off and out pops a genie.

"Thank you Oh Master for releasing me from my prison of the last 300 years" the genie exclaims, profusely grateful to the FG. "And because of your kindness" the genie continues, "I will grant you 3 wishes". "But I must caution you" alerts the genie.

"And what's that?" asks the FG.

"Well, you can wish for anything you desire, but whatever you ask for, every electric guitarist in the world will receive double" explains the genie.

"Not a problem" says the FG.

"Very well then, what shall your first wish be, my Master"

"$10 million in small bills" says the FG unhesitatingly.

"Good choice, Master" and poof!! right there on the beach are piles and piles of $10s and $20s. And of course every EG in the world now has $20 million in their account.

"And your next wish, Master?"

"A brand new Taylor PS12C Presentation Series Guitar and presto! right there on the beach is the most beautifully inlaid and superb sounding acoustic guitar he'd ever seen. And of course every EG now has 2 of these guitar's in their living rooms; knowing of course that they aren't going to know what to do with one, much less two.

"You've made excellent choices thus far, Master; what is your final wish?" The FG thinks for a minute, rubs his chin a moment, squints at the bright sky and says, "You know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney" ...

A sax player dies and goes to the pearly gates.St Peter says sorry 'too much partying you have to go to the other place. The elevator doors open and he goes into a huge bar.All the greatest are on stage on a break.He goes over to Charlie Parker and says .Hey this can't be Hell all the best are playing here.

Q: What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone?


A: A sharp major.

Phone songs

All of the following songs may be played on a touch-tone phone. Commas are pauses, and hyphens are held notes.


Mary Had A Little Lamb

3212333, 222, 399, 3212333322321 or
3212333, 222, 133, 3212333322321

Jingle Bells

333, 333, 39123, 666-663333322329, 333, 333, 39123, 666-6633, 399621

Frere Jacques

1231, 1231, 369, 369, 9*9631, 9*9631, 111, 111

Olympic Fanfare

3-9-91231, 2222-32112312, 3-9-91231, 2222-32112321

Happy Birthday

112, 163, 112, 196, 110, 8521, 008, 121

"When she started to play, Steinway himself came down and rubbed his name off the piano."
Bob Hope on comedian Phylis Diller

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?


A: Root position cords.

Q: What's the definition of a minor second?

A: Two oboists playing in perfect unison.

Q: What part of the turkey is musical?


A: The drumstick!

Q: How do you make a bandstand?


A: Take away the chairs.

String players' motto: "It's better to be sharp than out of tune."

Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?


A: So you don't have to re-train the cellists.

Conductor: A musician who is adept at following many people at the same time.