Joke Of The Day

Q. How is a heart like a musician?


A. They both have a beat.

Music: A complex organizations of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, who is ignored by the musicians, the result of which is ignored by the audience.

Two violinists make a pact that whoever dies first, he will contact the other and tell him what life in Heaven is like. Poor Max has a heart attack and dies. He manages to make contact with Abe the next day.

Abe - I can't believe this worked! So what is it like in Heaven?

Max - Well, it's great, but I've got good news, and I've got bad news... The good news is that there's a fantastic orchestra up here, and in fact, we're playing "Sheherezade," your favorite piece, tomorrow night!

Abe - So what's the bad news?

Max - Well, you're booked to play the solo!

Q: What do you get if you drop a piano down a mine shaft?


A: 'A' flat minor!

A bunch of singer-songwriters were sitting around a bar in Nashville. One of them says 'I keep hearing about these guys Bach, Beethoven and Mozart. Anybody here heard of them?'

'Yeah' replies one of the songwriters 'I've heard of 'em ...but I wouldn't worry too much, all they ever did was instrumentals'

"This phone is baroque; please call Bach later."

Q: What do you do with a bad conductor?


A: Stand next to him during a thunderstorm.

A jazz bass player who was short of money took a temporary job as substitute in a classical orchestra performing Bizet's opera 'Carmen'. After a month of playing every night he gets a night off and decides to go and see the show as a member of the audience. After the final curtain he goes back stage to talk with the rest of the bass section.

'What did you think of the show?' asks one of his colleagues.

'Wow, too much man,' replies the jazz bassist, 'Crazy! You know that bit where we play the tonic and dominant, boom boom, boom boom? Well, you won't believe this, but there are all these people up on stage singing 'Toreador....'

My wife and I were browsing in a crafts store when I noticed a display of country-style musical instruments. After looking over the flutes, dulcimers and recorders, I picked up a shiny, one-stringed instrument I took to be a mouth harp. I put it to my lips and, much to the amusement of other shoppers, twanged a few notes on it.

After watching from a distance, my wife came up and whispered in my ear, "I hate to tell you this, but you're trying to play a cheese slicer."

Q: Why was the piano invented?


A: So the musician would have a place to put his beer.

Q: What do you get when you drop a piano on an army base?


A: A flat major.

Q: What's the difference between a guitar and a tuna fish?


A: You can tune a guitar but you can't tuna fish.

Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy. After years of a peaceful co-existence, the Amati shop decided to put a sign in the window saying: "We make the best violins in Italy." The Guarneri shop soon followed suit, and put a sign in their window proclaiming: "We make the best violins in the world." Finally, the Stradivarius family put a sign out at their shop saying: "We make the best violins on the block."

What did the piano player say to the tightrope walker?

You better C sharp or you'll B flat!

“Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears from the eyes of woman.”
~Ludwig van Beethoven

Mrs. Smith needed to have her piano tuned so she asked a friend for a recommendation. She then made an appointment with the piano tuner, Mr. Oppernockity. He arrived 2 days later, tuned the piano satisfactorily, and left. Several days later Mrs. Smith noticed that the piano was terribly out of tune again. She called the tuner to complain about the tuning and to ask for a return visit to solve the problem; however, the tuner replied, "I'm sorry ma'am, but Oppernockity only tunes once!"

Q: What's a tuba for?


A: 1-7/8" by 3-7/8" (unless you request full cut).

Q: What did a piano player say to a tightrope walker?


A: You better C sharp or you'll B flat!

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?


A: Root position cords.

Q: How do you make a bandstand?


A: Take away their chairs.

Q: What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in?


A: C sharp or B flat.

An orchestra was plagued by attendance problems. Several musicians were absent at each rehearsal. As a matter of fact, every player in the orchestra had missed several rehearsals, except for one very faithful oboe player. Finally, as the dress rehearsal drew to a close, the conductor took a moment to thank the oboist for her faithful attendance. She, of course, humbly responded "It's the least I could do, since I won't be at the performance."

Glissando: A technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

Q: What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away?


A: Root position cords.

Q: Why did they say that the pianist had fingers like lightning?


A: They never struck the same place twice.